Dear Santa

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Dear Santa,

The past few years I have only asked you for one thing…a man who will someday make a good wife. How hard can that be? I’ve even suggested that you search on the Island of Misfit Toys, Atlantis, Area 51, etc…and every year I wake up on Christmas morning to disappointment yet again.

Well, Santa, I’m on to your little fat man games. That’s right!!! My post Men Never Listen – Breaking the Man Code explains it all!! And furthermore…you’re not getting any milk and cookies at my house ever again!!

I’m not asking you for anything this year. I know someone who’s getting a tooth pulled and I’m going to make a deal with the Tooth Fairy!!

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Put THAT in your little red sack and deliver it!

Regards,
Ms. I’m Going to Be Naughty in 2015!

P.S. Rudolph’s cousin is in my freezer, I’ll be dining on him Christmas Eve.

Mr. Donut Tell My Girlfriend

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(SUBMITTED STORY)

I woke up in the middle of the night to a call that I didn’t recognize. I usually don’t answer numbers I don’t know but when it rang a second time I thought it might be an emergency. I answered the phone and it was my next door neighbor, Travis.

“Is everything okay?” I said.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just call me in the morning. Oh, and don’t tell my girlfriend.”

WEIRD.

Travis and his girlfriend Jennifer live next door and we are all the same age. Her and I are acquaintances and I’ve spoken to him a handful of times in passing. Jennifer had my number in case of emergencies but I never gave it to Travis.

Shortly after getting off of the call I got a text:

“Member top secret:) so just text me when you can”

I asked once more why he woke me up in the middle of the night…

“Yes im just wantin to talk to somebody im just bein a retard textin my neighbor a lil buzzed up lol”

So romantic.

“Okay, when I get two calls like that in a row it really looks like an emergency. I am not okay with having a secret conversation or whatever, it’s just not appropriate. You know that or else you would not have asked me to keep it a secret. You should talk to Jennifer.”

Oh boy, was he quick on his feet! He immediately had a totally logical explanation for everything, of course.

“It wasn’t a secret conversation I needed a ride somewhere to suprise Jennifer with somethin but then I was like omg I can’t ask her for a ride if Jennifer wakes up she’ll think were doin somethin bad, but I’m just really wantin to go get donut country and suprise Jennifer with breakfast. I dont blame you but you took it the wrong way, but I can see why you did. You can tell her if you want cuz I wasn’t tryin to come over there and f*** you or even talk to you about anything like that.”

What a moron.

“Okay, Travis if that was all it was you should have just told me up front. But you didn’t. I asked why you called me twice in the middle of the night and asked me not to say anything, and you said you called because you wanted to talk & that you were buzzed did you not? There was no mention of donuts, but now that I said something there is so… Weird how that happened. But hey, I must have drawn some crazy lines there and come to the wrong conclusion. Have a good night.”

Man, I would kill for a boyfriend who would make another girl as uncomfortable as possible for a baked good. I wonder if Jennifer ever got those donuts.
Signed,
Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.

Dear Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.,
I’m very sorry I passed ‘those’ genes on to you but at least you also got the genes that allow you to see through the bullcrap!! I’ll be looking forward to the next story as there is no immunization/antidote for it!
Love,
Mom aka Ms. Freak Magnet, Sr. aka Ms. DT

Mr. 27 Groundhog Days

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I went to a restaurant / bar in my hometown last night with one of my best friends. We always meet up for dinner when I’m visiting but this time we decided to try a different place…27 Groundhogs (name has been changed to protect an innocent animal).

We always have fun regardless of where we are and we were in rare form last night. We had a lot of catching up to do so we were there for 4 hours. This ensured multiple trips to the restroom which was located right beside the bar.

As I made my way to the bathroom, on one such occasion, I ran into an old classmate. He was obviously two sheets to the wind and asked me to sit and talk with him on my way back out. As I came out of the bathroom I found that he had moved two barstools over in a far corner and was sitting there with a huge drunken grin on his face patting ‘my stool’ for me…

I sat down with him and we talked about our kids. His youngest daughter is my niece’s best friend and she has been to my house before when my family comes for visits.

The conversation was awkward with him being drunk so I told him I had to get back to my friend and I left.

Probably 30 minutes later he comes meandering through the restaurant and sits at the table next to ours and asks me to come sit with him and talk. I went over to the table and told him I really didn’t want to leave my friend but he could come sit with us. He excuses himself to go to the restroom and says he’ll be back. When he comes back he sits down beside my friend and starts talking to us. At this point I realize he didn’t even remember our previous conversation let alone who I was. When I told him who I was we had the entire conversation about our families all over again.

AWKWARD

At that point he turns to my friend and tells her what a great laugh and pretty eyes she has. As she’s giving me the ‘what the hell have you gotten me into look’ he asks her if she lives around there and where she works. She tells him. They talk about her job a little.

He turns his head for a moment, turns back to her and says, “So, do you live or work in this area?” They have pretty much the same conversation all over again and at this point I’m already making mental notes for this story.

He asked me AGAIN if I lived around there and I reminded him that I did not and his daughter had been to visit me before. I had reminded him previously (at least twice) that I had 3 kids and my friend remarked that she had 3 kids as well.

So he turns to me and says, “So you have 7 kids?” I said, “No, I don’t have 7 kids.” My friend chimes in and says, “No, she has 47 kids!!” I kicked her under the table. His mouth fell open and he remarked, “Oh my God really? I hope they are all in a classroom.”

I said, “No they aren’t. They all have a different baby daddy and I’m not looking for yet another baby daddy.”

As he’s sitting there with his mouth still hanging open my friends says, “If you think she gets around you should know I have 87 kids!!”

I swear I not making this up but 2 minutes later he’s asking us how many kids we have and if we are married.

He went to the restroom again and I told my friend I felt like we were trapped in the movie Groundhog Day.

He comes back to the table and when he sits down he started vigorously rubbing inside his pocket. I’m sitting there thinking ‘is he doing what it looks like he’s doing’ because he was rubbing pretty hard and fast!!

He stood up and shoved his hand back in his pocket and I was really worried about what he might pull out…

He pulled $25 out of his pocket (whew) and said he was buying us drinks. We thanked him but told him we didn’t want drinks as we were drinking tea. He said we offended him and he couldn’t allow us to buy him a beer and him not return the favor. Hmmmmm…we didn’t buy him a beer. When we told him we didn’t buy his beer he sat there and stared at the beer in front of him, puzzled, trying to figure out where it came from.

At one point he asked my friend for her phone number and she remarked, “BR549”.

He told us he was getting a divorce and had been separated for 4 years. I happen to know that’s not true but that didn’t stop him from insisting that my friend put his number in her phone. And he watched her do it to make sure she got it in there.

Needless to say, we finally made our escape and I’m sure she can elaborate more on the things he whispered in her ear if she chooses to comment on this story.

I’m so thankful when I woke up this morning to NOT be sitting in the restaurant all over again re-living last night!!

MR. BEELZEBUB – NOT SO MUCH A HONEY

(SUBMITTED STORY)

Recently, I changed my name on Facebook and a friend emailed me and asked “Gone Hawaiian?”

Well pal, sit back and listen to a tale about a single girl’s dating tragedy……..I made a stupid blunder that God saved me from fast. Life gets tough being alone every now and then. While shopping in the one and only store in this small town I ran into a guy I had met in my post-1st ex – pre-2nd ex days (Over 20 years ago). We never went out back then because I was dating Jack (another story, another time).

He asked me out to dinner. I’m really not so interested in dating but I was hungry…yes a good meal out sometimes can sway me especially since it was the day before payday. I thought “What the heck, what can it hurt? He doesn’t seem to be a psycho!” so I went.

It turned out that his favorite restaurant is Applebees. “How bad can he be? He doesn’t go to McDonalds and he’s older than me. That’s new for me considering my last husband was 11 years younger.” I thought. “He must be grown up, right?” By now you are wondering what that has to do with your question……..well sit back. I always have a life story with my learned lessons.
He had all the manners a woman wants in a man. Picking me up at my home…opening doors…extreme politeness. He started by telling me that he drives 69 1/2 so as not to get a ticket. Then he goes on and on about how his son keeps getting them and he doesn’t like cops. A YELLOW LIGHT comes on in my head at this point. On the way to Applebees he stops at his house because he wants to show me “him”. Well…His actual sentence was “Can I show you ME”? I don’t mind telling you that I almost jumped out of the moving vehicle. Apparently my face showed my stress and he immediately explained that we were JUST going to ride around his home to show me his place.

He was true to his word and we did not get out of the vehicle. He wanted me to see the deck he built…very nice bee hives….his little nice home..all-in-all a great place to dwell. However, I couldn’t help wondering WHY he wanted to show me this within our first 10 minutes of being together. I noticed he got overexcited when I mentioned my kids called me Bebe. I couldn’t resist telling him since we were going to AppleBEES and he was showing me bees. Cornball joke but he seemed to love it.

On the way he tells me his last marriage only lasted 4 months. I really needed an explanation for this but he would not tell me anything else. The Yellow light just got brighter…. among a thousand other mentions of his life he says “I drink”. I looked at him and ask if he was expecting a reaction. He says “No you just need to know that”. I told him that although I do not judge people for their choices STILL there are things I don’t want in extremes in my life. Someone who drinks a lot is one of them. He said nothing. So we continue our journey. It was a pleasant 30 minute ride and we chatted about various things. He asked how my marriage ended and we talked about an accident I had been in. For the most part he told me about his life….it felt like he was interviewing for a job without the questions. It had been over 20 years since I had dated so I just told myself that ‘selling himself’ must be part of the dating process.

We arrive at the ‘Bees and he grabs my hand all of a sudden. My instinct was to pull away (apparently I’m not really ready to date at all) He drags me to the BAR while saying he hopes I don’t mind sitting there because that is where he ALWAYS sits. My yellow light turned a light reddish color by this point.

I spend two hours listening to him talk to the very young waitresses (apparently he is a Thursday night special there giving big tips and trying so hard to make his retired ass feel young again) These girls are smart – they fake smile and pretend like he is ‘all that’ then take his money and smile as they walk away.

He told me to get whatever I wanted and that was very nice. I had a delicious meal with tea.

I guess he truly wanted to prove to me that he drinks because he drank one after another the entire meal while making fun of my tea. I had a momentary trip back in time to my high school days when other kids would put me down for not doing drugs with them. Later he texted me when he got home to tell me that he was sitting on his porch drinking another and feeling bummed (confused because I am somewhat naïve at times since I became a hermit after my last divorce 4 years ago. It took me a few days to figure out that was because he thought I was going to his house after that meal. I totally missed a Bee-opportunity. Later I thought about the fact that he asked me where I wanted to go after dinner and I said “Home – everything else is closed” duh for me…That wasn’t the answer he was seeking.

During the drive home he asked more questions about my previous ex and I automatically throw in the spiritual side of it. I’m not a Bible thumper nor do I believe I am perfect in any way but I DO believe I wouldn’t be here without a few hundred answered prayers and that’s always part of the story when I discuss something painful I have gone through in life. I should also mention I mentally prayed a lot while riding home during a severe thunder storm with a drunken man who jumped and let go of the steering wheel from time to time. I really did NOT want to die this way!

I woke up Saturday morning with a fibro attack from the pits of Hades. I was crying with pain. I don’t usually get that bad but the bar benches were very uncomfortable plus I had just got back from vacation and it was all kicking in. By the way I explained to him about my body issues but most people think that because I look healthy then I must be lying…as it turns out he was one of those people.

Saturday afternoon he called me asking me to come to his house to grill out. Suddenly I realized why he wanted me to know where he lived….duh again. He said he does that for ‘friends’. I told him I appreciated the invite but I was very sick. I tried to explain the fibro a little because I realized he didn’t believe me the night before… to which he said “I have read articles that say that is just in people’s heads” Well of course he got the reality of it when I was finished and I could tell he didn’t like it even though I was firm and obviously insulted at the nerve of someone telling me I didn’t hurt when I could barely get out of bed.
He hung up with irritation in his voice without even asking me if I needed anything or calling back later to see how I was doing. He did, however, text Sunday AND Monday asking the same question. Since it takes about a week for a flare-up to calm down I gave him the same answer each time sincerely thanking him for the offer.

By Monday, Mr. Beelzebub’s aggravation at my sickness had elevated and I decided I did not want to see him again. I mean WHO DOES THAT? I was sick!!! I was in pain!! If you can’t be considerate LEAVE ME ALONE! Still, I decided to be grownup and nice about the whole thing. So I invited him to meet me in town for a burger. I called and asked how he was and what he was doing. He said he was great and was mowing the yard. Then I extended my invitation. He immediately said he was already cooking dinner. WOW a multi-tasker!!! Inside and Outside at the same time! Impressive! Not.
I realized that he was childishly pouting at my three turn-downs and played his game for a moment. I said, “Oh I’ve already ordered”, and we hung up.

I told a friend at work – Well I guess that’s the end of him. I don’t have to worry about what or how to say ‘it’s over before it began’. WRONG!

Yesterday he texted me this: “I really want to ask u out but u might say yes and u might say that u r sick. It really messes up my plans and ruins my day when you do that.”

OH NO HE DIDN’T….yes he did! PLEASE at LEAST spell out the entire word! Hanging around teenagers doesn’t make you one!

Classic reaction from date rejection obviously.

So I prayed twice before I answered. I did this because I have a helacious temper when offended. (One of my vices, ok??? I’m not perfect! Deal with it.) I sent him a text saying: I understand completely! It’s very difficult for people who do not have this painful disease or do not have loved ones who deal with it to understand the many emotions, pains, and control over a life it can have from time to time. I don’t expect you to just accept what I am telling you since you don’t really know me that well and don’t believe this is real anyway. So let me just end by saying thank you for the Applebee experience, it was nice and take care. If my fibro is affecting you emotionally this much when you have known me less than a week you would really have a hard time understanding what Spina Bifida is doing to me.

The end…. YAH RIGHT!!!!!!! It gets worse…..so much worse!

Apparently that struck a cord. Spina bifida-struck a cord! LOL, did I just say that! Oh hahahahahhahaha That was not even intentional..excuse me I almost choked.

So a few minutes later he texts about how much he always liked me but I was dating Jack back then and he had to listen to us talking on the phone during lunch at work and how it always bothered him and …..(OMGOODNESS that was almost 30 years ago!!!) I only met this Mr. Beelzebub ONE time back then!!!!!!!!! He said my divorce wasn’t even final then. Being separated for three years didn’t matter , he said, according to him, I TALK ABOUT GOD AND MY EX TOO MUCH! He said he was giving me dating tips and continued on to blah blah blah. This is all in a text.

I may not have been on a date in 20 years but I quickly recognized a childish temper tantrum. No real man is going to text…especially at our ages….unless he has reverted back to childhood and does not have the courage to talk to a woman live or on the phone.

Remember the temper I just confessed to having? I decided not to pray about that response.

I continued to play his game so I responded:
WHAT a jerk-ass thing to bring up! You know nothing about me or my life! Apparently you are attacking me over me not coming over to eat your grilled food. Grow up! While we were on our ‘date’, I simply answered your questions and since you seem to like to control the women you date – let me HELP YOU out a little. Next time you take a woman out, ASK if you can hold her hand instead of grabbing her and pulling her along like a Tonka toy – THEN lead her to a TABLE and look her in the eye while talking about you and her instead of talking behind her head when you do finally realize she is with you. Don’t take her to the bar to introduce her to the young girls you wish you could get and one final thing. MAYBE you should consider not drinking one after another so that when you take that woman home she doesn’t sit in your car and PRAY TO GOD that she doesn’t die with a drunk and embarrass her family and friends!

My hope was that he would realize that I’m not stupid…just overly nice sometimes but he had pushed my buttons to make me leave that place of kindness. But no…he continued to text. I deleted and did not read. Finally I told him I wasn’t reading his text….he sent another that started with “I’m sorry that we………..” delete. I texted back one more time.…”I’m done. Stop.”
Questions in my head: What man past 60 writes ‘u’ for you and ‘bee’ for be?

The fact that he stays drunk as much as possible, thinks he is a ladies’ man and that gives him the right to control and advise us on dating proved him to be the worst choice for my first dating experience. So I renamed him Bee-tle Juice (nicknamed for his excessive drinking and the love for all things bee). Pretty sure it will be a long time before I come out of my beehive to date again!

Now you know the story of why I changed my name on Facebook.

One final thought by Jerry Stinger….When your date makes an ex look good maybe you should consider giving up honey for a while………

Signed,

Ms. Beekeepernot

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Dear Ms. Beekeepernot,

It sounds like your date was indeed horrible!! Mr. Beelzebub aka Bee-tle Juice seems to have held some sort of aggression towards you for 30+ years and he was just waiting for the right moment to slam you with it. Hold a grudge much? I’m glad he showed his true colors early in the process of getting to know him. I’m sure the alcohol loosened him up for that!

Take care of yourself,

Ms. DT

 

Men Never Listen – Breaking the Man Code

Last weekend I was having lunch with friends. Me and my friend ‘Drea were talking but the conversation also included her husband who, at the time, was looking up football scores on his phone and having a side conversation with his buddy. We finished our conversation and looked over at her husband and I said, “He’s not even listening.” He looks up with a slight nod and quickly repeats everything we said and goes right back to what he was doing.

I’m thinking did Dave just give away the secret, a glimpse into the man code that’s been passed down from generation to generation and protected for centuries?

My theory is when a boy is around 12 or 13 his father, his brother, his uncle, his barber, his teacher, may just look at him and give him a slight nod that means, “You know?” If the manchild gives a nod back then that’s confirmation that he knows. If not, then the education begins. They are taught to pretend like they never listen to us women. Is it worth the headaches we give them from the constant nagging? Yes, because they are all in on it as a united front!! If it’s seen as a global man thing then technically they are off the hook.

This mancode has, supposedly, never been written down because men know that us women are curious creatures and we will find evidence of anything and everything that we can!!

 
Which brings me to my research after witnessing that ever so quick nod…I discovered it actually was put in writing, by a man, back in 1837!!! It includes phrases like, “A wink of his eye and a twist of his head”, “he spoke not a word”, “and giving a nod up the chimney he rose”…

 
Undeniable proof that there is a Santa Claus in the man code!!!

Can you believe it?? Right there in print for all the world to see…giving his approval for men to play dumb and pretend like they were not listening when we told them what we wanted for Christmas!!

Shocking…I know!!

So when you wake up Christmas morning and yet again, you don’t get what you really wanted…you know the real reason!!

Spread the word ladies. It’s time we let men know that we know what they don’t want us to know!!

Size Really Does Matter (especially if you lie)

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Over the years I have come to realize that some men just outright lie about their height on their online dating profiles. Yes, those are the inches I am referring to. I know some women do this too but I don’t understand why anyone would. I am sure most men are aware that women in general like taller men and may have fears that being shorter could be a deal breaker but come on guys…I think we are going to notice if you fall a few inches short. Please don’t stand on your tippy toes.

I had dinner with a man a few years ago who had his height listed as 5’8″. Imagine my surprise when we met and he only seemed to be about 5’4″. That’s a big difference!! Did he suddenly shrink in stature as he crossed over into another time zone to meet up with me? With me being 5’6″ I guess he thought I wouldn’t notice but my hairstyle adds an inch or two to my height so I have the appearance of looking taller…yes, I like a little ‘up’ in my ‘doo’.

His first comment to me was “Wow, you’re a lot taller than I pictured. You must be wearing heels.”

I was.

That made it so much worse.

I literally felt like I towered over him before we sat down to dinner. I felt like an Amazon warrior getting ready to swoop in for the kill.

As dinner progressed it really wouldn’t have mattered if he had been 6 feet tall. He shared story after story of how he stalked his ex girlfriend because he just knew she was cheating on him. THAT was the deal breaker and thank goodness my inner Amazon warrior was my wingman!

If you lie about those obvious inches I don’t even want to think about what else you might be lying about…