Mr. Goose That Laid the Golden Egg (NOT)…

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I, briefly, dated a guy who’s smooth moves, one evening, consisted of him roughly grabbing at my chest and making this god-awful honking noise while he gave a quick squeeze. HONK HONK*twitch* *twitch*

When he got no response from me (I was in shock…staring at him with my mouth gaping open), he tried to maneuver my hand between his legs. My immediate reaction was to pull away. His response, “Wow, I must have lost my touch.”

LOST YOUR TOUCH?! More like you are touched (in the head). Seriously, is that supposed to be romantic?

Leave the honking to the geese. They have proven to be successful in laying the golden eggs!!

Mr. Dum(b) Dum(b)

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One of my dates ended with him pulling a dum dum out of his pocket, handing it to me and saying,
“This is for you. At least now you can say you sucked on something this evening.”
You know, I wasn’t even insulted. I gladly took his delicious little gift.
As a matter of fact, it all seemed a little rehearsed to me.
I would have to say that this man had probably handed out many a dum dum.
I thoroughly enjoyed the dum dum (not the dumb dumb) that evening.

Mr. All That and a Bag of Chips…

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Yet another tale of a blind date gone awry…
(Where do my friends find these men?)

All through dinner he winked at, “honey’d”, and “sweetie’d” the waitress (much older woman) and told me she was like putty in his hands. His cell phone went off several times during the meal…texts and phone calls. He answered every single one of them. He told me it was his female friends and that I would be calling him all the time, as well, because women just couldn’t get enough of him. *twitch*

While he was preoccupied inviting the waitress to sit next to him and join us for dessert, I pulled my cell phone out of my purse, wrote his name and number on a napkin (which I left for the waitress) and deleted his number from my phone.

As we parted ways for the evening he winked at me and said, “Call me. You know you want to.”

Mr. Beano More Dates

I am still rattled by the grown man who found it quite humorous to continually burp and fart after just one date. It was not just ‘letting one slip’ but ‘cocking the leg and bending over’ kind of farting and then laughing hysterically…he was the one laughing hysterically, not me.

We watched a movie one evening…sat on opposite ends of the couch…and he literally, belched, farted and smacked on a wad of gum through the entire movie. I thought I was going to have a full-blown seizure.

Needless to say, there were no sparks and it’s probably a good thing as it may have ignited an explosion.

I am beginning to believe my friends are accurate when they call me a freak magnet and to think…I found this one on my own!!!

Mr. Way Ahead of Himself

Over the course of the last 6 years I have been set up on numerous blind dates. *twitch*

One in particular is quite memorable. This was back when middle-aged dating was new for me and I just didn’t know any better than to allow a blind date to pick me up at my house…after all, a mutual friend had set us up.

What did Mr. Way Ahead of Himself do? He showed up at my house with a suitcase. Yes, a suitcase. *twitch* *twitch* *twitch*

His explanation, ” Well, I thought it best to be prepared just in case.”

Justin Case, to the best of my knowledge, sells auto insurance on television but as this date was about to be totalled, I guess it was a good thing he was along for the ride.

Let’s just say the date did NOT go as Mr. Way Ahead of Himself had hoped and we never spoke again.

At least he had Justin to keep him company. My condolences to Justin…