One of my latest ‘dating’ fiascos is still making my head spin.
I corresponded with a man on a dating site who said one of his biggest pet peeves was people misrepresenting themselves online and how he really just wanted to be friends. When he asked me out for dinner I figured why not.
We met at a local restaurant last Friday night and much to my bemusement, he looked nothing like his online photos. He had used much younger ones on his profile. His first comment to me, “I really appreciate the fact that you actually look like your photos.” *twitch*
We sat down for dinner and the first thing he did was order a beer. (Funny…he had told me during our correspondence that he didn’t drink.) *twitch* *twitch*
Throughout the course of dinner, he was loud and obnoxious relaying story after story of how he had been in sooooo many bar fights and came close to being arrested on several occasions. (Did he think he was impressing me?)
As we were sitting there eating (and I was wishing I could hide under the table) who walks over but one of my old pastors!! I just wanted to DIE!!! Total mortification!!! I have no doubt he left the restaurant praying for me!!
When dinner was finally over he said, “Will you humor me for a few more minutes?” He pulled out his high school yearbook, mutliple awards that he’s won and his college diploma. I told him I did not want to look at them but he insisted he had to show me what a great guy he was!!!
As if that was not enough, he then asked me if he could follow me home for coffee. Uhhhhh….no. I thanked him for dinner and left..having no intention of EVER seeing him again!!
Much to my bewilderment I woke up the next morning to mulitple e-mails (apparently he did not sleep ANY that night) to find out I’m practically engaged. (???)
The following are bits and pieces from his e-mails: (I apologize in advance if this causes you even the slightest brain damage.)
“15 years…. of celibacy. (really?)
am I SAYING this? (I can’t believe it either.)
how can I say NO? (just say no…please)
YOU WIN. (Ohhhh…it was a contest!!)
I love you. (You don’t even know me!!)
I’m not even scared. (You should be.)
I’ve never met a nicer person.
I make my living reading people. (Epic fail! )
You are as nice as me. (cringe)
You deserve a good man. (Yes, I really do.)
I deserve a good woman.
We could do worse. (The jury is still out on that one.)
I’m yours. (No thank you.)
DO WITH ME WHAT YOU WANT. (That’s illegal.)
I just want you to be happy.
You deserve it.
I want to be the best man I can be for you.
(wow. where are these GUTS coming from?) (I don’t know but I just puked mine up.)
When I used to think of my ex girlfriend, I would get an erection…. (TMI)
(it means I am in love) (No, it means you’re HORNY!)
it is what it is…. what can I do? (No comment.)
there’s nothing I can do.
Awww, shit! IT’S ERECT NOW. DAMN IT! sigh. DAMN!
“OH, NOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT GOOOD…. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN….. OH NO….”
It means my … it means…. my subconscious WANTS you…. It means I LIKE you…. I feel for you…
IT WANTS YOU. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS, AND THAT THING WANTS WHO IT WANTS…
iT’S HOT IN HERE, i’m breathless….. shit! damn…..
my stomach is tight….
…. matter of fact when I left the restaurant, it was getting hard…
I looked down and went “oh shit!”
why? because heart break is horrible.
why? because I know you could seduce me
why? because I know now YOU are in control
you got me.
Oh, GOD, it’s hard, NOW……
this is not fun. (It’s no fun for me either.)
but, I am not going to say anything. (Thank you for keeping all this to yourself.)
I am scared, and nervous, I’ll tell u that.
the other side of the coin, when I get seduced, then I am attached out of guilt
and that’s it
it’s over. not a bad thing. unless they leave you or cheat on you or hurt you….
and the thing is, I know in my heart, I can’t stop you.
that’s why I talk so much and put up the firewall buying time…
I don’t know where this is going….(I do.)
I have no clue
where is it going to end? (On my dating blog…that’s where)
your family come live with me? (???)
kids change schools? (???)
me move to your house? (You don’t even know my last name let alone where I live!!)
all these questions….
or will I just be a fling?
all I know is, it will happen or it won’t (It won’t.)
but what ever happens, happens.
and it couldn’t happen with a nicer person.
so, I am not worrying…
just nervous, and that’s why I talk so much
I will admit, you got me. (No really, I don’t.)
after 2 years of hell online. (Mine is just beginning.)
I don’t want to do anything to screw this up (too late)
you got me
if nothing else, as a good friend for life
REALLY. we are so much alike (I’m going for therapy now.)
I went to the bar tonite and they played my song when I came in…
copperhead road…well the waitresses came up and hugged me said it had been so much better in there
and after my song
shit started at the pool tables
I told them to quiet it down
they (2) broke a pool cue over the table with a piece in each hand
two bouncers came up behind me
I walked up and said put the stick down, he threw one down…
I said , hand me the other…. he does and I give it to the bartender
the 2 rednecks with tattoos everywhere even on their neck and wearing “tapout” shirts
they yelling c’mon!!!
I turn to the bouncers and say
I’m getting too old for this shit and it’s time ya’ll start taking out your own trash
you ain’t gonna talk your way out of THIS one… it’s time. go take em out of here!
and off the 2 bouncers went like football players
it was like the move ROAD HOUSE
IT WAS TIME
well, it was a hell of a fight, but they got those boys out the door
girls screaming, drinks dropping, bottles of beer and glasses breaking,
tables flipping over, pool table being shoved out of place, people getting knocked down, the sound of punches and clothes tearing, and growls and grunts
I go out, the old owner goes out, we are calm, we seen this for DECADES
THESE NEW BOUNCERS HAVE GOT TO LEARN
like a teacher losing control in a classroom
there comes a time to take back control
the rednecks are screaming step off the sidewalk
the owner, instructs his two bouncers (FINALLY !!!)
to step off the sidewalk, and don’t say a word, and don’t throw the first punch
the rednecks back out in the street and say come out here
the owner tells em same thing go into the street, let them throw first punch
and don’t say a word
the rednecks then turn and go get in their truck and leave
all the bouncers all come out laughing and hoo rahing and high fiving
we all go back in the club
I learn their good fighter bouncer had been fired… so
the rednecks were testing the remaining bouncers and winning (still not impressing me)
I look around, would I want to bring my lady HERE?
i STUDY IT….
PROBABLY not…. WHY?
got music at the house, these are rednecks, and college kids
sure, I like watching the sexy young girls dance…. if they dance good
what man doesn’t? (That is so endearing. What a charmer.)
and I’m too old for this shit. (I’m too smart for this shit.)
Oh God, I am scared to death. What if I am making a mistake? What if you are NOT? WHOAH…. yeah….
What if it is a mistake NOT TO…. flip a coin, man. make a decision. (FLIP A COIN? Is that how we do it these days?!!)
Don’t have to make a decision…. just let it “RIDE”…
cross THAT bridge WHEN u get to it…
You may never get there….
and worry for NOTHING.
don’t worry about it.
where we at?
WE SHOULDN’T THE NICE PEOPLE HAVE A NICE VALENTINES DAY….????
WHAT THE HELL WE DONE TO ANYONE????
WE DESERVE A NICE VALENTINES DAY TOO!!!
IT’S NOBODIES DAMN BUSINESS
VAL-EN-TINES “DAY” ….
ON A THURSDAY… HOTEL SUITE WITH A JACUZZI… HO-HOOOO!
EVEN IF i HAVE TO GO ALONE! LOL
i’M WORTH IT.
I LOVE YOU.”
Really, what else is there to say after THAT except that I have now decided on my next nightmare date (and I’m sure there will be more) I’m going to eat with my hands, chew with my mouth open, pick my nose, belch, fart, and laugh like a crazed woman. (I think I am a bit crazed now anyway!!) So, if you ever see a display like that while dining in a restaurant…it’s just me. Stop by the table and say hello!!
Peace my friends.