Today’s posting is not my usual humorous bantering but more of a soul bearing, heart wrenching, exposing of my vulnerability. So yes, I am Miss Vulnerable…putting it out there for everyone to see.
I have spent the last three months in a long distance ‘relationship’ with a man I have known for many, many years. We grew up in the same hometown. We have talked off and on several times over the years about various things but I never saw him in a romantic way until recently. We had our usual exchange of messages, “Hey…how have you been” kind of thing and it progressed from there.
I have always known him to be a good person with a caring heart, funny (very funny) and one of the ‘nice guys’ so to speak. He is very smart, handsome, and has an incredible eloquence with words. The more I got to know him better the more I became quite taken with his charm.
He seemed perfect. I usually do not fall for sweet words because I can tell when they are not sincere (hence the reason most men don’t make it past a first date) but I KNOW HIM and this time I was completely blindsided.
Some of things that were said included:
“I have spent my life learning to be a better man.”
“You make me very happy. Please strengthen me when I falter.”
“You are all I ever wanted. You deserve everything in life I can offer you.”
“I will never take you for granted.”
“I will always show you how much I appreciate you. You will never doubt us.”
“You have made me so happy with all of the things you have shown me about myself.”
“I love your positive outlook on everything.”
“I am truly a lucky man to know a woman as great as you.”
“I want you to bring beauty into my life.”
“You have a lot to offer any man lucky enough to love you. You are beautiful inside and out. You have a beautiful heart and soul and your incredible eyes are just icing on the cake.”
“It sometimes feels like my heart will explode. I am so happy.”
“Everyone who had the opportunity to love you but let you get away were all fools.”
And I could go on and on and on with those sweet nothings and that is exactly what they were… sweet NOTHING!!
There is no happy ending.
He has been seeing someone else for over a year…another long distance relationship. He mentioned her to me once saying that she was infatuated with him and was stalking him on facebook. I guess he didn’t realize I was actually friends with her on facebook. I saw a posting she made on his 40th birthday this past Monday. He had no choice but to come clean and admit what he was doing. His excuse…he just didn’t know how to tell me about her or how to end things with her but he still wanted a life with me.
Just slap a big old sucker tattoo on my forehead. Obviously, I deserve it.
I told my friends I pretty much ruined his 40th birthday. I said things to him I didn’t even know I was capable of saying…mean and cruel things. After some thought, I realize I did not ruin his birthday. He ruined his own birthday by being a coward.
I will admit I am heartbroken. This one will take me a while to get over. My biggest fear is not in being alone as I know I am never alone…God is always with me and will get me through. My biggest fear is being vulnerable. I imagine that is everyone’s fear even if we never openly admit it.
I saw a quote on facebook (on Monday ironically) and I will close with that…
“It’s easy to take off all your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams…THAT is truly being naked.”