Mr. Donut Tell My Girlfriend

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(SUBMITTED STORY)

I woke up in the middle of the night to a call that I didn’t recognize. I usually don’t answer numbers I don’t know but when it rang a second time I thought it might be an emergency. I answered the phone and it was my next door neighbor, Travis.

“Is everything okay?” I said.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just call me in the morning. Oh, and don’t tell my girlfriend.”

WEIRD.

Travis and his girlfriend Jennifer live next door and we are all the same age. Her and I are acquaintances and I’ve spoken to him a handful of times in passing. Jennifer had my number in case of emergencies but I never gave it to Travis.

Shortly after getting off of the call I got a text:

“Member top secret:) so just text me when you can”

I asked once more why he woke me up in the middle of the night…

“Yes im just wantin to talk to somebody im just bein a retard textin my neighbor a lil buzzed up lol”

So romantic.

“Okay, when I get two calls like that in a row it really looks like an emergency. I am not okay with having a secret conversation or whatever, it’s just not appropriate. You know that or else you would not have asked me to keep it a secret. You should talk to Jennifer.”

Oh boy, was he quick on his feet! He immediately had a totally logical explanation for everything, of course.

“It wasn’t a secret conversation I needed a ride somewhere to suprise Jennifer with somethin but then I was like omg I can’t ask her for a ride if Jennifer wakes up she’ll think were doin somethin bad, but I’m just really wantin to go get donut country and suprise Jennifer with breakfast. I dont blame you but you took it the wrong way, but I can see why you did. You can tell her if you want cuz I wasn’t tryin to come over there and f*** you or even talk to you about anything like that.”

What a moron.

“Okay, Travis if that was all it was you should have just told me up front. But you didn’t. I asked why you called me twice in the middle of the night and asked me not to say anything, and you said you called because you wanted to talk & that you were buzzed did you not? There was no mention of donuts, but now that I said something there is so… Weird how that happened. But hey, I must have drawn some crazy lines there and come to the wrong conclusion. Have a good night.”

Man, I would kill for a boyfriend who would make another girl as uncomfortable as possible for a baked good. I wonder if Jennifer ever got those donuts.
Signed,
Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.

Dear Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.,
I’m very sorry I passed ‘those’ genes on to you but at least you also got the genes that allow you to see through the bullcrap!! I’ll be looking forward to the next story as there is no immunization/antidote for it!
Love,
Mom aka Ms. Freak Magnet, Sr. aka Ms. DT

Mr. Conversationalist

 

(SUBMITTED STORY)

This is a quick story as I found the chat up line fantastic. This was only last week.

On an internet dating site, is my profile and photo up, so I get a message from a guy:

“Hi”

I thought this was very inventive so I answered equally with:

“Hi”

His response to this was:

“Hello”

I was amazed about his vocabulary. So my answer was:

“You are a man of few words.”

And he answered:

“ You are not exactly War and Peace either.”

So I left it at that, as I do not think I could have a decent conversation with THAT.

At least they can make us laugh!

Best Regards, Ute

Mr. You Hurt My Ex-Wife’s Feelings

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(SUBMITTED STORY)

This is about a man I had grown up with in the same town.  He was a tad younger. {As my friend says….I was a cougar before being a cougar was cool.} I was full force in the dating world………..completely divorced and making my own money. I decided NOT to say no when this guy asked me out for the 7th time. I enjoyed our dates. We liked the same movies………laughed at the same punch lines plus he was cute.
Back then, my dates had about a 6-week shelf life. Generally it took me a while to figure out if something was wrong.
It started out with a story about a previous girlfriend. He explained that when they first had sex, she cried. Not having any desire to take it to that level in the first place – any possibility of that disappeared shortly thereafter. Still yet, I continued going out with him from time to time (putting that comment down to his youth and ignorance). THEN  he began to tell me that he and his ex-wife were ‘friends’ and sometimes he would stay at her place. (I snickered inside as I began to plan my escape from this brainless fool.)
One day he calls me and begins yelling at me. I say, “WHAT THE HEY!!?!?!”
He said his ex-wife saw me and I did not wave at her.
WHAT!?! SAY WHAT!?!?!?! the twitches begin………..
I explained to him that I did not even know his ex-wife. He said I used to live near her. THEN he proceeded to tell me that he was furious with me because I had hit on her brother years ago. (I felt like I had entered a type of sanitorium that allowed patients to roam free.)
After further investigation I realized that while I was married I did live about a mile away from where his wife was raised. I also figured out that her brother was the extremely pimply-faced 16 yr old that was running a cash register at a store I bought gas from. I was 25 at that time, with children, and if I even noticed anything about him, it was to smile in pity at him and hope that he, one day, meets Noxema.
So lets call this 6 week relationship ‘Dirtbag’.
Dirtbag then comes to my apartment. I stand blocking him in the doorway as he continues to nag me for not talking to his ex. I tell him to leave……..beat it………vamanose…………I don’t want to see you again Captain Insano!
I head to work feeling relieved that he is now a part of my past. When I arrived home, my phone was ringing…….I decided not to answer it. He redialed every 3 minutes for hours. Finally, I pick up the phone and say things not allowed on this blog ending in stay away from me! He called so late into the night that I had to take the phone off the hook!
The next day as I was walking out the door to go to work there he stood……..crying like a  baby……..begging me to talk to him. I told him ‘NO’ in my most cold-hearted tone. I explained to him that you cannot have a girlfriend who gets in trouble for not talking to an ex-wife and they are both psycho and should get back together. Then I leave for work.
That day I received the most beautiful white basket full of flowers. The basket was so gorgeous with ceramic roses of all colors on the front. I miss it. The little girl I gave it to smiled so big.
That night he called and asked if I had gotten it. I said yes. He asked if I liked it. I said yes………and hung up……taking the phone off the hook because the psycho starting the calling process again.
The next day I received 2 dozen roses. I could barely carry those home from work. I ripped off all of the petals and enjoyed my first rose bath. It was wonderful!
Did it make me think more of him? No because he called and told me he spent $72 on the roses and that should prove how sorry he was.
I said Don’t worry baby………I already know how SORRY you are.
It took a threat of a restraining order and a couple of large friends to make him stop calling me. That was about 20 years ago and I saw him a few months ago. I didn’t even recognize him but he knew me instantly. My daughter later told me that he watched me walk away and looked as though he might cry.
Deliver me from those type………..PLEASE!
Scary but true………….
Scooter in Virgina

Mr. It’s Ok, I Secretly Work for the CIA

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(SUBMITTED STORY)

I met a “nice” attractive man. We had some great conversation and decided to go on a date. I can’t recall EVERYTHING about the date and the brief communication after but the following things happened:

When he called me to set up the date, he said he was calling me from a pay phone (circa 1992). That time, I didn’t think anything of it.

During the date, as I brought my dessert up to my mouth, for the first bite, he stopped me to say ” a minute on the lips – forever on the hips”. *twitch* I am over 5’9″ and weighed probably about 135. After a stunned response, I finished dessert, anyway – of course.

At the end of the date, he gave me a big sloppy kiss and then hummed, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm good. I was horrified, while patting dry, the bottom of my face. *twitch*

Later, bored, I called him to chat and was told I had the number for a pay phone (again). I asked why he hadn’t given me a home number and he replied that he had been a very involved black activist a few years back and had some trouble with the KKK in Texas, where he used to live. He now believed they had followed him to DC and were tapping his phone. He didn’t feel it was safe to give me his home number and felt we should only talk on the pay phone.

I never talked to him again. However, I must say, he took me to see “Tombstone” which turned out to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Generally I hate westerns and would never have chosen to see it so all in all, he did me a favor.

~Latanya in Virginia