The Simple Man

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A few weeks ago a friend asked me for dating advice. I just laughed and laughed. I’m not the best person to ask for said advice considering I’ve been divorced for 9 years and my ‘dating resume’ looks a bit like this:

one date…no thank you

one date…no thank you

one date…no thank you

2 1/2 years…no thank you

2 months…no thank you

one date…no thank you

one date…no thank you

3 months…no thank you

one date…no thank you

one date…no thank you

half a date…HELL NO

one date…no thank you

one date…no thank you

two dates…no thank you

just looking for a friend…yea right

two dates…no thank you

got a cat

 

I hear women complain all the time that men are too complicated and hard to understand. The reality of it is that men are actually simple creatures and very easy to understand. All they basically want is sex and food. Since food is really a necessity then we can take food off the table but leave sex on the table…and on the floor, and in the shower, and on the hood of the car, and during halftime, etc…

It’s really us women who are complicated. We want EVERYTHING and then some but two hours later we might want something completely different. Yes, ladies, we are the complicated creatures, but I believe the key is in finding a man who is not selfish and understands that we are complicated or at least pretends like he understands. And as far as the sex goes…make him wait for it. (I have several male friends who offer that advice.) If he’s willing to wait then he might be a keeper but just in case you might want to have a back-up…keep some nachos on hand!!

That’s my advice.

Like it or not.

I have a cat now so I’m quite content.

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Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light…

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I accepted a date this past weekend from a pastor. I was pleased that the evening actually went somewhat normal…dinner, nice conversation, a movie.

He invited me to his church on Sunday and for lunch afterwards. He’s currently a member and not the pastor of said church as he’s waiting on assignment. During the service he asked me about my plans for New Year’s Eve then he made a sexual reference about us going off somewhere and ‘playing’. I literally turned to face him in the pew and said, “Did you really just say that to me during worship service. His response, “Well, I AM human.”

I don’t know why (God help me) but I still went to lunch after church. He asked me where I would like to go then took me to a different restaurant instead.

Why bother asking???

He wanted to go where several of his friends usually hang out on Sundays. During lunch he was constantly watching the door and the people who came in. He finally told me that he brought me there to put me on display.

Wow!

I told him I did not appreciate being on display like I was some kind of an animal at the zoo and he said, “Oh no, not an animal but for the beautiful woman that you are. You deserve to be seen and I want people to see you with me.”

Was that supposed to be a compliment????

Feeling like a lamb at the alter on the verge of being slaughtered,  I left as quickly as I could. He was rather disappointed that I would not go over to his house after lunch.

After I got home he texted me nonstop telling me he was crazy about me and he just couldn’t wait to get his hands on me. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then said (and I’m quoting) “I could be happy if I just had the green light to play with your boobs and who ha.”

WHO HA???!!!

As I’m thinking of an appropriate response (other than a long string of curse words), I receive:
“Your house or mine?”
“Can I come over?”
“I want to see if I can make you sweat and hollar.”

(Oh sure baby. Even though you’re just like every other man I have encountered in my ‘dating career’ it’s ok coming from YOU being a preacher and all. Come on over and make me hollar!!) WTH!!??

Obviously, Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light got a soapbox sermon from ME as I preached him a mouthful about treating women like a piece of meat and how I was not going to be a distraction from his so called ministry. Better yet, he might want to rethink his choice of career!!!

Now of course, he says he was ‘just kidding’ and he really doesn’t want me to give up on him because I’m special.

He’s right. I AM SPECIAL. Much too special for the likes of him!!

On a side note…I had a visitor at work today who, referring to a completely different situation, said “Love and sex are the same thing.”
My visitor was a man. That’s the difference, I suppose, between men and women as I completely disagree with that statement. Love and sex are not the same thing.

What are your thoughts on that?

Am I missing something here?

I’m just totally at a loss…

12-18-13 UPDATE

Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light continued to text me and ask if I would allow let him explain his ‘rude behavior’. He would not stop texting me so I called him last night and allowed him his confession…

His confession, “I don’t have a lot of confidence. I feel very inadequate in the bedroom. God did not bless me very much in size or with much skill when it comes to sex so I was trying to make myself sound like a stud…a big man. I am so sorry I disrespected you because of my shortcomings.”

I accepted his apology but not his excuse. Come on….really? So it’s God’s fault now?

Be a man and just admit that you were ‘testing the waters’ to see if I would take the bait.

Congratulations to him, by the way, as he certainly succeeded in becoming a big dick!!

Mr Rogers…NOT

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So the latest in my saga of tales seems to include stories about men whom I’m not even dating.

Let’s take this morning’s developments as a prime example:

My 18 year old daughter comes to me first thing this morning and asks me if I have a ‘thing’ going with one of the neighbors.

Ummmm no.

The last conversation I had with him was him texting me from the shower (over a month ago) telling me he was naked and ‘all worked up’. I suggested he make it a cold shower.

According to my daughter, he’s telling folks that we are pretty cozy….

So…I sent him a text message so she could see for herself. She said, “I get $10 if he propositions you!!”

Me: “Word around the neighborhood is that we have a thing going…that’s news to me.”

Him: “Well that’s news to me too but o well we mises well do it so they will have somethin more to talk about.” (I’m not sure what makes me cringe more…what he said or his poor use of grammar.)

Me: “I can have sex any time I want but I’m worth so much more than that. I’m waiting on the man who realizes that.”

My daughter: “I get $10!!!”

I really need to move….to another planet!!!!

Won’t you be my neighbor….

Mr. Liar, Liar…Pants with Desire

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This is an online conversation I had last night:

Him: “I would love to take some photos of you.”

Me: “No thanks. I prefer to be behind the camera.”

Him: “Ok, you can take some of me then. I’m not really a photographer anyway. It’s more of a hobby.”

Me: “That’s still being a photographer.”

Him: “I also lie to push the envelope.”

Me: “You lie and you admit it? That’s a new one.”

Him: “No…I meant ‘like’ to push the envelope. Oh forget that. Back to photography.”

Me: “Ok, what kind of photos do you like to take?”

Him: “Sexy and erotic pictures.”

Me: “Ohhhhhhh…you should have lied. It would have made you sound more interesting.”

Clean vs Dirty

Since I’m on the topic of hair today…

A man just came into my office raving about my hair and how great it looked. Now, I usually wash my hair every day but recently there are times when I go two days without washing it. Since I have started doing this, I get so many more compliments on my hair. Most of my clean hair compliments come from women. The dirty hair compliments come from men. I just don’t understand.

The first time I made the connection and started paying attention to clean hair days vs dirty hair days was a few months ago when I hauled some stuff off to the dump and the guy at the dump hit on me. Seriously…at the dump. He also complimented my hair over and over again, remembered me from previous jaunts to the dump, and invited me come to back any time and visit with him, with or without garbage.

How can I not conduct an experiment? I will keep you posted.

I hope you all have an incredibly gorgeous hair day!!

 

To Pluck or Not to Pluck

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Last night I was chatting with a friend from high school. He has recently delved into the world of blogging. One of his posts was about rogue hairs showing up in unwanted places on his body. I could sooooo totally relate to this!!! For the last 13 years I have been battling a rogue hair on my chin and just recently a new one appeared on the side of my nose!!!

Now these hairs are not just ordinary old hairs…they are CLEAR!!! Not white, not grey….clear. (fyi…I’m a brunette.) Being so makes them very hard to see unless you’re in the right light or really get in there and look for them. They are so good at camouflaging themselves I believe the military could learn a few tricks from them!!

Within the last few years though, my hair has started growing much faster than usual. I have been seeing the same hairdresser for 8 years and used to go in every six weeks. Now I’m in there every three weeks because if I’m not, birds and small animals start looking to roost and make nests on my head. (No joke ;))

This surge in hair growth created a new problem for me…it’s like rogue hairs on steroids!!

The day I discovered my chin hair had reached two inches in length before I found it kind of did me in!! I decided that day, from here on out, I was shaving my face!! Forget occasional plucking! That’s right. I admit it. I shave my face!!

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My comment to my friend last night, “I have become a man!” His comment to me, “That’s great! If you’re a man we can now date!”

So there you have it folks…I shave my face and I’m now dating a gay man. I slept so well last night.

Mr. I Just Say What’s on My Mind

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I have actually given up dating for a while but even so I seem to meet ‘interesting’ men.

A few weeks ago, a man who works across the street came into my office making small talk.

I could tell he was trying to flirt, yet not very good at it.

He proceeded to tell me that he was legally separated from his wife but they still lived together.

OK.

Then, he tells me about a torrid love affair he has been having with a coworker.

OK.

And for grand finale, head banger…as he’s walking out the door…he asks me if I would be interested in having sex just for the fun of it.

My response to him, “Actually, I’m worth so much more than that.”

Again I ask…why me and where are all the decent men????