Mr Rogers…NOT

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So the latest in my saga of tales seems to include stories about men whom I’m not even dating.

Let’s take this morning’s developments as a prime example:

My 18 year old daughter comes to me first thing this morning and asks me if I have a ‘thing’ going with one of the neighbors.

Ummmm no.

The last conversation I had with him was him texting me from the shower (over a month ago) telling me he was naked and ‘all worked up’. I suggested he make it a cold shower.

According to my daughter, he’s telling folks that we are pretty cozy….

So…I sent him a text message so she could see for herself. She said, “I get $10 if he propositions you!!”

Me: “Word around the neighborhood is that we have a thing going…that’s news to me.”

Him: “Well that’s news to me too but o well we mises well do it so they will have somethin more to talk about.” (I’m not sure what makes me cringe more…what he said or his poor use of grammar.)

Me: “I can have sex any time I want but I’m worth so much more than that. I’m waiting on the man who realizes that.”

My daughter: “I get $10!!!”

I really need to move….to another planet!!!!

Won’t you be my neighbor….

Mr. Liar, Liar…Pants with Desire

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This is an online conversation I had last night:

Him: “I would love to take some photos of you.”

Me: “No thanks. I prefer to be behind the camera.”

Him: “Ok, you can take some of me then. I’m not really a photographer anyway. It’s more of a hobby.”

Me: “That’s still being a photographer.”

Him: “I also lie to push the envelope.”

Me: “You lie and you admit it? That’s a new one.”

Him: “No…I meant ‘like’ to push the envelope. Oh forget that. Back to photography.”

Me: “Ok, what kind of photos do you like to take?”

Him: “Sexy and erotic pictures.”

Me: “Ohhhhhhh…you should have lied. It would have made you sound more interesting.”

Clean vs Dirty

Since I’m on the topic of hair today…

A man just came into my office raving about my hair and how great it looked. Now, I usually wash my hair every day but recently there are times when I go two days without washing it. Since I have started doing this, I get so many more compliments on my hair. Most of my clean hair compliments come from women. The dirty hair compliments come from men. I just don’t understand.

The first time I made the connection and started paying attention to clean hair days vs dirty hair days was a few months ago when I hauled some stuff off to the dump and the guy at the dump hit on me. Seriously…at the dump. He also complimented my hair over and over again, remembered me from previous jaunts to the dump, and invited me come to back any time and visit with him, with or without garbage.

How can I not conduct an experiment? I will keep you posted.

I hope you all have an incredibly gorgeous hair day!!

 

To Pluck or Not to Pluck

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Last night I was chatting with a friend from high school. He has recently delved into the world of blogging. One of his posts was about rogue hairs showing up in unwanted places on his body. I could sooooo totally relate to this!!! For the last 13 years I have been battling a rogue hair on my chin and just recently a new one appeared on the side of my nose!!!

Now these hairs are not just ordinary old hairs…they are CLEAR!!! Not white, not grey….clear. (fyi…I’m a brunette.) Being so makes them very hard to see unless you’re in the right light or really get in there and look for them. They are so good at camouflaging themselves I believe the military could learn a few tricks from them!!

Within the last few years though, my hair has started growing much faster than usual. I have been seeing the same hairdresser for 8 years and used to go in every six weeks. Now I’m in there every three weeks because if I’m not, birds and small animals start looking to roost and make nests on my head. (No joke ;))

This surge in hair growth created a new problem for me…it’s like rogue hairs on steroids!!

The day I discovered my chin hair had reached two inches in length before I found it kind of did me in!! I decided that day, from here on out, I was shaving my face!! Forget occasional plucking! That’s right. I admit it. I shave my face!!

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My comment to my friend last night, “I have become a man!” His comment to me, “That’s great! If you’re a man we can now date!”

So there you have it folks…I shave my face and I’m now dating a gay man. I slept so well last night.

Mr. I Just Say What’s on My Mind

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I have actually given up dating for a while but even so I seem to meet ‘interesting’ men.

A few weeks ago, a man who works across the street came into my office making small talk.

I could tell he was trying to flirt, yet not very good at it.

He proceeded to tell me that he was legally separated from his wife but they still lived together.

OK.

Then, he tells me about a torrid love affair he has been having with a coworker.

OK.

And for grand finale, head banger…as he’s walking out the door…he asks me if I would be interested in having sex just for the fun of it.

My response to him, “Actually, I’m worth so much more than that.”

Again I ask…why me and where are all the decent men????

Happy Valentine’s Day

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Happy Valentine’s Day (Singles Awareness Day) to all my beautiful readers!!

So far on this wonderous day I have heard from Mr. Man of Mystery, Mr. Point and Shoot, and Mr. Flip a Coin. (As well as a few others lurking in my life.)

Mr. Man of Mystery sent just a simple, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Mr. Point and Shoot says: “Happy Valentine’s Day Bright Eyes, 🙂 I hope you get lotsa flowers, chocolate and kisses. (((HUGS))).”

Mr. Flip a Coin says: “I was browsing the internet and couldn’t find you. (I hid my profile from him.) Did you finally find a man? (nice) I have a profile without a photo just to browse (lurk) to see if there’s anything new when I’m bored.” (for when he’s off his meds)

I refuse to engage in conversation with any of them. And so the saga continues…

I’m going to buy myself flowers and chocolates and celebrate this wonderous day as an independent woman!!

Cheers to all us singles!!

Mr. I Thought She was THE ONE

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I was supposed to have a date recently with a man who I joked with about not asking me to marry him on the first date.

He said, “Oh no worries, I’ll wait till at least the third.”

In one of our later conversations I asked him how long he had been divorced. He said, “Well, here’s the thing…” (I know when something starts out like that I better start taking notes for my blog!!)

It turns out he had been divorced 3 months from a woman he was only married to for 3 months. He proposed to her on the 3rd date and they were married after only knowing one another for 3 weeks. HOWEVER, she was not his 3rd wife but his 4th.

I had no choice but to cancel our date. I can’t possibly take a chance on being wife number 5 when my lucky number is 6!! He’ll just have to get back to me after his next divorce.

He said he really thought wife number 4 was ‘the one’.

I just do not understand rushing into marriage so quickly. If you’re meant to be together it will happen even if you take that extra time to actually get to know one another better.