Mr. Donut Tell My Girlfriend

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(SUBMITTED STORY)

I woke up in the middle of the night to a call that I didn’t recognize. I usually don’t answer numbers I don’t know but when it rang a second time I thought it might be an emergency. I answered the phone and it was my next door neighbor, Travis.

“Is everything okay?” I said.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just call me in the morning. Oh, and don’t tell my girlfriend.”

WEIRD.

Travis and his girlfriend Jennifer live next door and we are all the same age. Her and I are acquaintances and I’ve spoken to him a handful of times in passing. Jennifer had my number in case of emergencies but I never gave it to Travis.

Shortly after getting off of the call I got a text:

“Member top secret:) so just text me when you can”

I asked once more why he woke me up in the middle of the night…

“Yes im just wantin to talk to somebody im just bein a retard textin my neighbor a lil buzzed up lol”

So romantic.

“Okay, when I get two calls like that in a row it really looks like an emergency. I am not okay with having a secret conversation or whatever, it’s just not appropriate. You know that or else you would not have asked me to keep it a secret. You should talk to Jennifer.”

Oh boy, was he quick on his feet! He immediately had a totally logical explanation for everything, of course.

“It wasn’t a secret conversation I needed a ride somewhere to suprise Jennifer with somethin but then I was like omg I can’t ask her for a ride if Jennifer wakes up she’ll think were doin somethin bad, but I’m just really wantin to go get donut country and suprise Jennifer with breakfast. I dont blame you but you took it the wrong way, but I can see why you did. You can tell her if you want cuz I wasn’t tryin to come over there and f*** you or even talk to you about anything like that.”

What a moron.

“Okay, Travis if that was all it was you should have just told me up front. But you didn’t. I asked why you called me twice in the middle of the night and asked me not to say anything, and you said you called because you wanted to talk & that you were buzzed did you not? There was no mention of donuts, but now that I said something there is so… Weird how that happened. But hey, I must have drawn some crazy lines there and come to the wrong conclusion. Have a good night.”

Man, I would kill for a boyfriend who would make another girl as uncomfortable as possible for a baked good. I wonder if Jennifer ever got those donuts.
Signed,
Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.

Dear Ms. Freak Magnet, Jr.,
I’m very sorry I passed ‘those’ genes on to you but at least you also got the genes that allow you to see through the bullcrap!! I’ll be looking forward to the next story as there is no immunization/antidote for it!
Love,
Mom aka Ms. Freak Magnet, Sr. aka Ms. DT

Men Never Listen – Breaking the Man Code

Last weekend I was having lunch with friends. Me and my friend were talking but the conversation also included her husband who, at the time, was looking up football scores on his phone and having a side conversation with his buddy. We finished our conversation and looked over at her husband and I said, “He’s not even listening.” He looks up with a slight nod and quickly repeats everything we said and goes right back to what he was doing.

I’m thinking did he just give away the secret, a glimpse into the man code that’s been passed down from generation to generation and protected for centuries?

My theory is when a boy is around 12 or 13 his father, his brother, his uncle, his barber, his teacher, may just look at him and give him a slight nod that means, “You know?” If the manchild gives a nod back then that’s confirmation that he knows. If not, then the education begins. They are taught to pretend like they never listen to us women. Is it worth the headaches we give them from the constant nagging? Yes, because they are all in on it as a united front!! If it’s seen as a global man thing then technically they are off the hook.

This mancode has, supposedly, never been written down because men know that us women are curious creatures and we will find evidence of anything and everything that we can!!

Which brings me to my research after witnessing that ever so quick nod…I discovered it actually was put in writing, by a man, back in 1837!!! It includes phrases like, “A wink of his eye and a twist of his head”, “he spoke not a word”, “and giving a nod up the chimney he rose”…

Undeniable proof that there is a Santa Claus in the man code!!!

Can you believe it?? Right there in print for all the world to see…giving his approval for men to play dumb and pretend like they were not listening when we told them what we wanted for Christmas!!

Shocking…I know!!

So when you wake up Christmas morning and yet again, you don’t get what you really wanted…you know the real reason!!

Spread the word ladies. It’s time we let men know that we know what they don’t want us to know!!

Size Really Does Matter (especially if you lie)

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Over the years I have come to realize that some men just outright lie about their height on their online dating profiles. Yes, those are the inches I am referring to. I know some women do this too but I don’t understand why anyone would. I am sure most men are aware that women in general like taller men and may have fears that being shorter could be a deal breaker but come on guys…I think we are going to notice if you fall a few inches short. Please don’t stand on your tippy toes.

I had dinner with a man a few years ago who had his height listed as 5’8″. Imagine my surprise when we met and he only seemed to be about 5’4″. That’s a big difference!! Did he suddenly shrink in stature as he crossed over into another time zone to meet up with me? With me being 5’6″ I guess he thought I wouldn’t notice but my hairstyle adds an inch or two to my height so I have the appearance of looking taller…yes, I like a little ‘up’ in my ‘doo’.

His first comment to me was “Wow, you’re a lot taller than I pictured. You must be wearing heels.”

I was.

That made it so much worse.

I literally felt like I towered over him before we sat down to dinner. I felt like an Amazon warrior getting ready to swoop in for the kill.

As dinner progressed it really wouldn’t have mattered if he had been 6 feet tall. He shared story after story of how he stalked his ex girlfriend because he just knew she was cheating on him. THAT was the deal breaker and thank goodness my inner Amazon warrior was my wingman!

If you lie about those obvious inches I don’t even want to think about what else you might be lying about…

Mr. I Think I’m Derek Morgan

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So this particular ‘event’ happened a few months ago. It took place over Facebook…a guy I went to high school with no less so it’s not like he was a complete stranger. I’m pretty sure he worked harder at trying to win me over than any man I have encountered thus far. I knew after he said he had an open marriage that this was potential for a good story.

I’m a writer. Sometimes, however, the best stories seem to write themselves.

Him: How are you?

Me: Great. How are you?

Him: Not bad, like your pic. Have you checked mine out?

Me: I remember you from school.

Him: As I do you and you did catch my eye. Something about the smile and eyes.

Me: Aren’t you married?

Him: Yes. does that matter? we have a open marrage.

Me: Really? (I’m not falling for that. Men like you are a dime a dozen.)

Him: Yes. I wish I could get her to cheat on me so I can Prenump her gone.

Me: Well that’s messed up. (And if you have an open marriage she can’t really break a prenup now can she?)

Him: My proptery she signed the prenump. Plus she lied and told me she was pregnant. I have to wait on her. She is boring. I am not about to loose what I have and paid off. Some men are true assholes, and don’t apperiate, just a touch or the first kiss. I personaly like a slow dance wile looking into a womans eyes.

Me: And your wife doesn’t like that? (You’re right. Some men really are true assholes. Just look in the mirror.)

Him: She has never danced or enjoyed the moment, to her she would rather have a big mac, sad, no romance. Me I am just a romantic that a lot of lady enjoy whit being sexual in nature. Sad, is no romance left? Rose pedels hot baths and candels? But I miss the dance in the arms a wonderfull woman. on our 10 annversity I had rose pedals scattered, candels lite, and the smell of incence. Nothing.
I am any thing but boring, been around the world twice. so I know how to treat a woman.

(No…you think you know how to treat a woman. You obviously watch too much television.)

Him: Hey. Don’t be a stranger. I love those eyes and that smile.

Him: Hello lovely. I don’t know how to date, other than a dance. Dinner and a lot of romance.

Me: But you’re married and I don’t date married men. It’s bad karma. Besides that I don’t want to be the other woman. I want to THE woman.

Him: wish she would cheat on me. So we could meet.
She gets half unless she breaks the prenup? Last time I touched her war about 2 years ago, and reall don’t wan’t too. Have you seen my pictures on facebook?

Me: Yes, but again, I don’t date married men so it doesn’t really matter. (Yes, I’ve seen your pictures on Facebook. The one with the cowboy hat and cheezy grin is very appealing.)

Him: you are good people and a fine woman. I am a very good poet. published 19 times. If it were up to me women would run the world. I like a woman with a mind. Mindless bimbos are just that. Intelagence.
I have lost my way. The woman my have broken my spirt. We have to meet.

Me: That’s not going to happen. (Hmmm….I bet most mindless bimbos can spell better than you and how many times do I have to tell you I’m not interested?? It’s not meant as a challenge. It’s a fact!!)

Him: I am working on teaching. (Shouldn’t teachers know how to spell?) Human Psychology. Human nature and criminal behavior . I’ve been around the world twice, seen a lot of things. (Translation: I was in the Navy for 6 years.) Have you ever been able to look at some one and know, with out speeking a word? Communication is the key to life and the qualuy of livingNot a lot of people know this.
Most people these days are self centered and they don’t care. I call them moron’s. Self centered and stupid, go hand in hand. I have no interest in people like that, seem they are hideing something. I would rather talk with some one with a mind. Kinna hard to find around here. looks and a mind are really hard and rare to find maby 1 in 80 Thousand.
Nice to talk with someone that has a brain and looks. Rare!!! (Some day I hope to talk to someone with a brain.)
Not bad looking as well, something you and I share. (I don’t think so.)
I look beyond the face into the heart, and mind. As one you are complete, and beautiful.
Would you like a poem? (I’m not sure I will understand it.)
Love is like the grass and trees, never ending and always begining.
Just come up with that.
What can you come with, like my class, think of a breeze soft and sweet with a hint of lavender in the air , and I whate for you in the sun ans to greet you and softly I wisper”for you I await”
One moment , one chance.
Time seems to stop in that moment.
Are you lonely, as am I. you can be lonely even in the arms of someone else.
I loved maby once in my life when time and the world seemed to stand still as I wispered in her ear,and the hairs one the back of her neck stood as to say , without a word, Life and love collided in that moment. Wonder if I will ever have that moment again.

Good moring.
Helping out with a cold case.
Mostly profiling. can’t say what it is, sorry. (Sure…like I believe that.) But I am making progress. Criminal psychology is a nice pet pea to have, also help some cold cases. Always go with your gut, and be awair of your surroundings. Most of the cases a federal an sicken. We are after all just animals.
I am a wine tasting judge of some very fine reds, but I just taste, smell and look at the clarity and give my opnion. (No…you’re a drunk. I called local law enforcement to get the lowdown on you. Word around town is that you are CRAZY!) They send me a case of differant reds, because I am very good at it, and give my honest opinion to the winery magizine. I even stated that one was like liking a soc or jock strap after a ball game. (Oh…so you’ve tasted jock strap. You really are a catch!!) Others are sweet and pleasing to the pallet, highly recomened.
Honisty is one of my strong points. (Spelling is not.) I get paid to wright about it, but like I stated, some of it is nasty. There is alot of process behind tasting.
I wish my wife would leave, so I can love again. She won’t leave, she has gotten used to the good life. Not her money or land, I end up cooking, cleaning, and taking care of every thing else, she is kinnda a slob. I am a price tag to her, but I would trade it all for true love. My part of the house is lovely, hers is a train wreck. I even hand paint palms a so very nice art works. Painting helps with the stress, when I was in spokane WA. I wen’t to the seal beach and speet hours paint the waves as they crashed on the rocks, and the sunset was just righe. I was federal proprety back then I can’t really tell you what I did for a living because of my clearance level. I was very good at it.

Me: Well I wasn’t planning on asking.

Him: Lot of meth around here, one I took down a meth house here. had a drive through window. I came out of retirement, just to do that. Then re retired. I don’t report to the locals. The only thing I have a addictive nature is for the honest love of a good woman. I am not like alot of men. Bit complated, but I do enjoy wispering loving thing into a womans ear and taking her to the point of sensaual, which is different than sexual. I have never meet a woman that I could not please simply with a touch of the neck. (Well you just met one buddy!!) I am well aware of all the places on a womans body that a touch meens more than just sex.
Pleaser for me is knowing and looking into the eye’s as of a loving woman knowing that se is being pleased. I’m really not like other men. I have posed as a 14 year old girl, to catch nasty men. I tell it like it is. Criminal Profiling helps but you still can not crawl inside the mind, even with a phycol. degree.

Me: I’m a bit of a profiler too. (I’m profiling YOU right now!!)

Him: Some times I make people mad for telling the truth, but I do weather they like it or not. Fear is a bit of something I lack. Never met any one that could take me. weird but true. Probley will get me killed one day, but in1991, the ragheads couldn,t do it, so I really don’t worry about it. Being a man really does not have alot to do with it , I have served with women that were more fearless than me. I have been tought by the best, thats why I served 6 years in the navy and never assignd to a ship.
got a recent pic? (Why would I send you a picture of myself? You’ve already seen all my pictures on Facebook.)

Me: My Facebook pic is a recent pic. I’m not sending a married man pics. Bad karma.

Him: I understand. still a hottie. Looks can not compair to the mind. I watched the news this morning and some dick in washington county, sprayed his wife with some thing and set her on fire. Delinquncy in sociaty CJ 303, chapter 9. Sicko I had to do a paper, 5,000 words just on Killer Kids. Bitch of a paper. Got published in the american medical journal. (Published in the American Medical Journal? I believe you. I believe everything you say.)

Me: Hmmm…I’d love to read that.

Him: The eyes always tell me. Good paper, one of about 42. Been offered several federal jobs in profiling, but I don’t know if i wan’t to do it. Plus would have to go back the D.C. Wan’t to get my masters first. I have a meeting in D.C. next week if all goes well i will bring in around 3-4 hundred jobs, good paying. Will do my dest but will not kiss ass. A lot of oppisition from the old farts club. I wan’t a closed plant in toen for a automotive plant, have already talked to a few auto companys and if I can bring it in for the right price, than this town coukd be saved. Looks good on paper, and the location is great. the plant is empty and need re tooled but it can be done. (Something tells me the meeting in D.C. will never happen.)

Good morning sweet thing. Meeting was canceled today, but still have next week. So now I have the day off, thank goodness, my brain hurts after the paper I have written. (My brain hurts too when I read what you have written.) Thank good ness for word office. I have to go to work up a steer and have invited around 70-75- people to enjoy, open pit dinner, band , and a very nice fireworks show. The town is broke so several people have donated Side dishes and several other things. Goona be a good time. I play the bango, getar, piano, and hand mad bambo flut’s that I grow. I like my lands. (You live in a suburban neighborhood with your mother-in-law not on a farm.)  Also will auchon off one of Big granny’s gars, maby a 62 or 63. Will fetch around $1000.00. Help defer the cost. one year one of my ex’s shoved her hand down my pant’s. My wife hates it when my ex’s come over.

Abouit your photography you do have talent, but I hope you don’t mind center a little two the right and focace more on what you really see. (Really? Center a little to the right on every subject? What kind of advice is that? I have exhibits in two states and have won multiple awards.) Still very good. Hope you still like me, (check yes or no) I at one time was very good. and have a little contructiv crit. helps. I can help you in that area, Really. (No thank you.) I wish my crazy ex gf would have not burned down my house. I would love to show you what the albems contained, beauityful phothos, mostly nudes (Of yourself?) and stars but lenses and filters I know how to bring out the best. You just have to look suctuvite, the phother should have known how to bring out the natural beauty, with out being in such a hurry to make money. (I don’t think I want to look suctuvite. I am not impressed.)

Gotta go, LOL. People are showing up. an ex is here. At least she give’s a good b— g—., hate to tell her hubby. One of about 14. sad, and shame. Did offer to testify on the marrage 17 years, tried to tell him . I really don’t think he wan’ts know. Recored. 2 under the desk and they still can’t see. I don’t think they wan’t to see the truth. Even when several shove there hands down my paint’s, kinna sad for them and still can’t git mine to leave me. Blinders.I guess. Curse, blessing? Curse!!! Tried!, mindless tots that have been with me. I don’t think they know better. Really searching for a mind. (I sure as hell hope you find yours.)

Me: You know better though. You can’t blame them if you don’t stop it. It takes two. (Not that I believe it really happened. You supposedly recorded women under your desk performing sex acts on you? And that’s supposed to be endearing?)

Him: Sad thing, Why won’t they go to there husbands? Puppit I have to on in about 15 min. Why does someone have to pull my strings.?

Me: Seriously!!??? You can’t keep blaming others when you let it happen. If it even happened at all!! All women are seductive. Are you going to sleep with all of them?

Him: Between sets, I have 5min I wan’t a mind! Bimboos. Give them what they wan’t? Bit 40 plse.Tired and the beef is on the spits. If this was not for charity. I perfer the mind and conversation. I miss the normal life!

Hello baby doll.

Me: I’m not like those other women. You can’t call me baby doll. You’re married. That’s a boundary that will not be crossed. I want someone who’s faithful because I’m faithful.

Him: Ok. I’m sorry.

Me: I’d like to read the paper on kid killers. Can you send that one to me?

Him: I will look for it. Got a 3.5 on my final, going to intern with the F.B.I. Just got the offer. Told you I wanted my shield back, wasn’t kidding.

Me: When do you start your internship? Do you have to go elsewhere? (I’ve also called a local FBI office to get the lowdown on their internship program. They don’t just offer internships. You have to apply and it’s a very long process. I’m curious just how deep of a hole you will dig for yourself…)

Him: I have to requal at getmo for a week, then I will start in the Withville office. (There is no such office. I asked.)

Me: What is requal?

Him: Requalfation of arms and self defence as well as standerd of U.S law.

Me: You have to go to Cuba for that?

Him: Profencent of fireairms, No V.A. D.C. You are thinking of getmo, Cuba.

Me: That’s the only Gitmo I’ve heard of. You said Getmo.

Him: Quantaco in on a marine base 14 miles southeast of D.C. Where all feds train. That is also where they train the S.E.A.L.s Most special forces train there. What can I say I am good at every thing I do. This I am passionate about, so I will secede. (Secede: withdraw formally; pull out. I wish to secede from this conversation.)

Me: Did you ever find that paper? (You know…the one that doesn’t exist.)

Him: Not yet, been a little busy.

Me: I don’t think it’s smart for someone trying to be a federal agent to be talking to a woman outside of marriage. It could look really bad for you. You don’t want to be under scrutiny. (Trying to secede here.)

Him: It is not in the conduct rule book. (LMAO….that’s the best one yet!!!)

Me: I’ve always heard adultery is the kiss of death for federal employees with security clearances. The government is thorough. You can hide it from a spouse but not Uncle Sam.

Him: UNCLE SAM DOE’S NOT EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE PERFECT. (And being in caps makes it official!!)

Me: Don’t they do a thorough background check and interview everyone in your life pretty much?

Him: I still hold a higher clearance than they require. So the background is already taken care of. I am 4 weeks ahead of my BS and thinking of getting my masters.I start as an inturn for the feds next week as a profiler andcriminal pysich. Thats the only way I am going to get back in. Once I finish my BS I will be the highest ranking officer down here. I have to go to work on a simple Pardon for a friend to the governor and send it off today, easy really. Talk to you soon. ( I hope the governor has a translator.)

Hello again beautiful.

Me: Stop saying that. You’re married.

Him: Like that matters, besides I didn’t say any thing about happy. I don’t even ware a ring

Me: It matters to me.

Him: Not to me.

Me: That makes you look really bad.

Him: What makes me look worse is the fact I have two girlfriends that she knows about. It is more like an agreement,She does nothing for me and they take up the slack.

Me: You shouldn’t even be married. I take marriage seriously.

Him: I used to but when your just a ghost who helps on the bills and has no more sparks or even conversation. Than how can you take something thats not there serious! Divorce is not an option, because we have seperate bedrooms and live seperate lifes. And I am not leaving my farm for no woman.

Me: You’ll never have true love. How can you trust a woman who sleeps with a married man. They will never be faithful.

Him: Faithfull is not what I am after, conversation, long walks, ect.

Me: It won’t mean anything.

Him: Shallow, I know.

Me: Yes it is.

Him: However to my intelect at least I get oppionated comversation. (You have intellect??)

Me: I don’t understand the way you think.

Him: You should be me, at least when I get my masters I wont care to leave.

Me: That won’t fix the way you think. You contradict yourself. One day you want true love and you’re a hopeless romantic then the next you’re shallow and settle for the mindless bimbos you have referred to. That tells me you just want attention. Any attention!!

Him: I am a hopeless romantic, I like to hold hands,dance at the spur of the moment. Have you ever frozen a moment in time. Have known it will never get any better than that perfect moment.

Me: That’s the difference between us though. I want that with someone who’s faithful because I want a lifetime of that. You are just in it for the ‘moment’.

Him: I have only found that kind of relationship once, and let it slip through my fingers, I could look into her eyes forever, not about sex. Now I just settle. Once Gone,Gone. My worst regret was letting her go I just wanted the fairy tail and she was it. The rest of my life it has been one after the other. I know down in my heart I will find love like that again if not in heaven, She wait,s somewhere just like me soul mates. All I had to do years ago was to say three words and my life would have taken a better path, I think thats why I am the way I am. No other could ever take a match at first glance I tripped and she fell. Love bloomed on that day in a second.

Me: You need to stop messaging me. I don’t need an angry wife or the FBI who’s digging into your life showing up at my door. (Seceding again. The FBI will be digging into your life when they find out you are pretending to work for them!!)

Him: Sorry will comply.

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At this point I decided to contact his wife to let her know because he seems just crazy enough to do something stupid.

Are there REALLY women out there who believe this crap?

So I wrote his wife…

“We don’t know one another and you may not want to know me or even be interested in what I have to say but I feel like I need to reach out to you out of concern for you. I believe your husband has some serious mental health issues and you need to be cautious and make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost. There are so many red flags with him. Something is just not quite right. He started hitting on me several weeks ago. Telling me had an open marriage and that you were already aware that he currently had two girlfriends and you didn’t care. He said you signed a pre-nup and he’s just waiting for you to cheat on him so he can be done with you and you can’t take any of his property. All of this very well could be true but my intuition tells me it is most certainly not true. It doesn’t even make any sense… you have an open marriage but yet he’s hoping you cheat on him? I made it very clear to him that I was not interested in him or any other married man but he continued to try and ‘romance’ me with stories that quite frankly sounded more like a script for a very intense Lifetime movie. He claims he’s interning with FBI soon because he’s working on ‘getting his badge back’. He has told me some incredible stories. I say incredible in the sense that I’m positive it is all make believe and he’s living in a reality that he’s created for himself. In my opinion, that makes him a dangerous person. I can’t even begin to cover everything in this message or convey how sorry I am that I had to contact you. No one wants to hear things like this about their spouse and I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. Please just be careful.”

This is the message I received back:

“I am well aware of what my husband doe’s. I have learned years ago that he is like trying to break a wall with a small hammer. I accepted him years ago. You are not the first and won’t be the last.As for his law enforcement experience, it is extensive and his study’s are well above and ahead of the other students grades and highly advanced, by months.Careful is what other people ,that are dangerous need to be around him. The red flags that you speak of are non existing for myself or him,, unless he is crossed. I have noticed no danger to my self or him, as I am a physicatricy nurse. He told me of you and several others, He likes to pick the mind, and it makes him want me more. So I allow it as he also uses, flearting as a tool to better understand the way a woman thinks. I was watching as ,per your request he unfriended you. So I don’t mind because he will ask for my opinion on several women , of what they want.to hear.”

Did I believe his wife really wrote that letter…NO!! Same type of writing. Same bad spelling.

Sure enough one week later she contacted me to tell me that her husband had hacked into her Facebook and sent that response to me. She was mortified when she saw the messages and is now filing for divorce. I’ve given her copies of our ‘conversations’ in case she wishes to use them in her divorce proceedings. I have no sympathy for married men who do things like this. Social media has made cheating way too easy.

Even after all that he sends me another friend request wanting back on my Facebook. Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

And so the craziness continues…

I’m going to start my own detective agency and call it “Whistleblowers Investigations: I’ll be more than happy to blow you!”

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Derek Morgan is a fictional character on the CBS crime drama Criminal Minds. He specializes in fixations and obsessive behaviors.He is a Supervisory Special Agent of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit.

Morgan is shown over the series as being flirtatious and a ladies man. He is shown to be confident and assertive. He is the muscle of the team, and usually storms in when a suspect requires apprehending physically.

Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light…

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I accepted a date this past weekend from a pastor. I was pleased that the evening actually went somewhat normal…dinner, nice conversation, a movie.

He invited me to his church on Sunday and for lunch afterwards. He’s currently a member and not the pastor of said church as he’s waiting on assignment. During the service he asked me about my plans for New Year’s Eve then he made a sexual reference about us going off somewhere and ‘playing’. I literally turned to face him in the pew and said, “Did you really just say that to me during worship service. His response, “Well, I AM human.”

I don’t know why (God help me) but I still went to lunch after church. He asked me where I would like to go then took me to a different restaurant instead.

Why bother asking???

He wanted to go where several of his friends usually hang out on Sundays. During lunch he was constantly watching the door and the people who came in. He finally told me that he brought me there to put me on display.

Wow!

I told him I did not appreciate being on display like I was some kind of an animal at the zoo and he said, “Oh no, not an animal but for the beautiful woman that you are. You deserve to be seen and I want people to see you with me.”

Was that supposed to be a compliment????

Feeling like a lamb at the alter on the verge of being slaughtered,  I left as quickly as I could. He was rather disappointed that I would not go over to his house after lunch.

After I got home he texted me nonstop telling me he was crazy about me and he just couldn’t wait to get his hands on me. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then said (and I’m quoting) “I could be happy if I just had the green light to play with your boobs and who ha.”

WHO HA???!!!

As I’m thinking of an appropriate response (other than a long string of curse words), I receive:
“Your house or mine?”
“Can I come over?”
“I want to see if I can make you sweat and hollar.”

(Oh sure baby. Even though you’re just like every other man I have encountered in my ‘dating career’ it’s ok coming from YOU being a preacher and all. Come on over and make me hollar!!) WTH!!??

Obviously, Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light got a soapbox sermon from ME as I preached him a mouthful about treating women like a piece of meat and how I was not going to be a distraction from his so called ministry. Better yet, he might want to rethink his choice of career!!!

Now of course, he says he was ‘just kidding’ and he really doesn’t want me to give up on him because I’m special.

He’s right. I AM SPECIAL. Much too special for the likes of him!!

On a side note…I had a visitor at work today who, referring to a completely different situation, said “Love and sex are the same thing.”
My visitor was a man. That’s the difference, I suppose, between men and women as I completely disagree with that statement. Love and sex are not the same thing.

What are your thoughts on that?

Am I missing something here?

I’m just totally at a loss…

12-18-13 UPDATE

Mr. Red Light, Green Light, Walk Into the Light continued to text me and ask if I would allow let him explain his ‘rude behavior’. He would not stop texting me so I called him last night and allowed him his confession…

His confession, “I don’t have a lot of confidence. I feel very inadequate in the bedroom. God did not bless me very much in size or with much skill when it comes to sex so I was trying to make myself sound like a stud…a big man. I am so sorry I disrespected you because of my shortcomings.”

I accepted his apology but not his excuse. Come on….really? So it’s God’s fault now?

Be a man and just admit that you were ‘testing the waters’ to see if I would take the bait.

Congratulations to him, by the way, as he certainly succeeded in becoming a big dick!!

Mr Rogers…NOT

photo

So the latest in my saga of tales seems to include stories about men whom I’m not even dating.

Let’s take this morning’s developments as a prime example:

My 18 year old daughter comes to me first thing this morning and asks me if I have a ‘thing’ going with one of the neighbors.

Ummmm no.

The last conversation I had with him was him texting me from the shower (over a month ago) telling me he was naked and ‘all worked up’. I suggested he make it a cold shower.

According to my daughter, he’s telling folks that we are pretty cozy….

So…I sent him a text message so she could see for herself. She said, “I get $10 if he propositions you!!”

Me: “Word around the neighborhood is that we have a thing going…that’s news to me.”

Him: “Well that’s news to me too but o well we mises well do it so they will have somethin more to talk about.” (I’m not sure what makes me cringe more…what he said or his poor use of grammar.)

Me: “I can have sex any time I want but I’m worth so much more than that. I’m waiting on the man who realizes that.”

My daughter: “I get $10!!!”

I really need to move….to another planet!!!!

Won’t you be my neighbor….

Mr. Liar, Liar…Pants with Desire

liar-liar-pants-on-fire

This is an online conversation I had last night:

Him: “I would love to take some photos of you.”

Me: “No thanks. I prefer to be behind the camera.”

Him: “Ok, you can take some of me then. I’m not really a photographer anyway. It’s more of a hobby.”

Me: “That’s still being a photographer.”

Him: “I also lie to push the envelope.”

Me: “You lie and you admit it? That’s a new one.”

Him: “No…I meant ‘like’ to push the envelope. Oh forget that. Back to photography.”

Me: “Ok, what kind of photos do you like to take?”

Him: “Sexy and erotic pictures.”

Me: “Ohhhhhhh…you should have lied. It would have made you sound more interesting.”