Mr. I Thought She was THE ONE

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I was supposed to have a date recently with a man who I joked with about not asking me to marry him on the first date.

He said, “Oh no worries, I’ll wait till at least the third.”

In one of our later conversations I asked him how long he had been divorced. He said, “Well, here’s the thing…” (I know when something starts out like that I better start taking notes for my blog!!)

It turns out he had been divorced 3 months from a woman he was only married to for 3 months. He proposed to her on the 3rd date and they were married after only knowing one another for 3 weeks. HOWEVER, she was not his 3rd wife but his 4th.

I had no choice but to cancel our date. I can’t possibly take a chance on being wife number 5 when my lucky number is 6!! He’ll just have to get back to me after his next divorce.

He said he really thought wife number 4 was ‘the one’.

I just do not understand rushing into marriage so quickly. If you’re meant to be together it will happen even if you take that extra time to actually get to know one another better.

Mr. Mass Texter

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After the fiasco with Mr. Flip a Coin, I gave my phone number to another online dater I had been corresponding with. He thanked me profusely and said he would text me in a bit (also assuring me I would not regret it). Sure enough, he did text me…in a mass text message that went to two other women at the same time!! Does he not understand that you can see all the phone numbers in a mass text message?

In this day and age, I understand most people communicate with one more than one person trying to get to know them and weed out the ones that are of no interest but a mass text message?? REALLY??!!

I actually messaged the other two women, one of which I have now become friends with. We both texted Mr. Mass Texter and asked him if he was talking with anyone else and he, of course, said “No hon just you.” (Hon?…barf.)

He has no clue that we know. Oh how dangerous this situation can be for a man…take heed online daters!! 😉

We are contemplating one of us setting up a date with him and then both showing up. Then again, he would probably like that.

He’s right though. I don’t regret it. I have made a great new friend thanks to his ignorance.

Mr. Flip a Coin (more like flip your lid)

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One of my latest ‘dating’ fiascos is still making my head spin.

I corresponded with a man on a dating site who said one of his biggest pet peeves was people misrepresenting themselves online and how he really just wanted to be friends. When he asked me out for dinner I figured why not.

We met at a local restaurant last Friday night and much to my bemusement, he looked nothing like his online photos. He had used much younger ones on his profile. His first comment to me, “I really appreciate the fact that you actually look like your photos.” *twitch*

We sat down for dinner and the first thing he did was order a beer. (Funny…he had told me during our correspondence that he didn’t drink.) *twitch* *twitch*

Throughout the course of dinner, he was loud and obnoxious relaying story after story of how he had been in sooooo many bar fights and came close to being arrested on several occasions. (Did he think he was impressing me?)

As we were sitting there eating (and I was wishing I could hide under the table) who walks over but one of my old pastors!! I just wanted to DIE!!! Total mortification!!! I have no doubt he left the restaurant praying for me!!

When dinner was finally over he said, “Will you humor me for a few more minutes?” He pulled out his high school yearbook, mutliple awards that he’s won and his college diploma. I told him I did not want to look at them but he insisted he had to show me what a great guy he was!!!

As if that was not enough, he then asked me if he could follow me home for coffee. Uhhhhh….no. I thanked him for dinner and left..having no intention of EVER seeing him again!!

Much to my bewilderment I woke up the next morning to mulitple e-mails (apparently he did not sleep ANY that night) to find out I’m practically engaged. (???)

The following are bits and pieces from his e-mails: (I apologize in advance if this causes you even the slightest brain damage.)

“15 years…. of celibacy. (really?)

am I SAYING this? (I can’t believe it either.)

how can I say NO? (just say no…please)

YOU WIN. (Ohhhh…it was a contest!!)

I love you. (You don’t even know me!!)

I’m not even scared. (You should be.)

I’ve never met a nicer person.

I make my living reading people. (Epic fail! )

You are as nice as me. (cringe)

You deserve a good man. (Yes, I really do.)

I deserve a good woman.

We could do worse. (The jury is still out on that one.)

I’m yours. (No thank you.)

DO WITH ME WHAT YOU WANT. (That’s illegal.)

I just want you to be happy.

You deserve it.

I want to be the best man I can be for you.

(wow. where are these GUTS coming from?) (I don’t know but I just puked mine up.)

 

When I used to think of my ex girlfriend, I would get an erection…. (TMI)

(it means I am in love) (No, it means you’re HORNY!)

it is what it is…. what can I do? (No comment.)

there’s nothing I can do.

Awww, shit! IT’S ERECT NOW. DAMN IT! sigh. DAMN!

“OH, NOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT GOOOD…. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN….. OH NO….”

It means my … it means…. my subconscious WANTS you…. It means I LIKE you…. I feel for you…

IT WANTS YOU. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS, AND THAT THING WANTS WHO IT WANTS…

 

iT’S HOT IN HERE, i’m breathless….. shit! damn…..

my stomach is tight….

…. matter of fact when I left the restaurant, it was getting hard…

I looked down and went “oh shit!”

why? because heart break is horrible.

why? because I know you could seduce me

why? because I know now YOU are in control

you got me.

Oh, GOD, it’s hard, NOW……

DAMN !

SHIT.

this is not fun. (It’s no fun for me either.)

but, I am not going to say anything. (Thank you for keeping all this to yourself.)

I am scared, and nervous, I’ll tell u that.

the other side of the coin, when I get seduced, then I am attached out of guilt

and that’s it

it’s over. not a bad thing. unless they leave you or cheat on you or hurt you….

and the thing is, I know in my heart, I can’t stop you.

that’s why I talk so much and put up the firewall buying time…

I don’t know where this is going….(I do.)

I have no clue

where is it going to end? (On my dating blog…that’s where)

your family come live with me? (???)

kids change schools? (???)

me move to your house? (You don’t even know my last name let alone where I live!!)

all these questions….

or will I just be a fling?

all I know is, it will happen or it won’t (It won’t.)

but what ever happens, happens.

and it couldn’t happen with a nicer person.

so, I am not worrying…

just nervous, and that’s why I talk so much

I will admit, you got me. (No really, I don’t.)

after 2 years of hell online. (Mine is just beginning.)

I don’t want to do anything to screw this up (too late)

you got me

if nothing else, as a good friend for life

REALLY. we are so much alike (I’m going for therapy now.)

I went to the bar tonite and they played my song when I came in…

copperhead road…well the waitresses came up and hugged me said it had been so much better in there

and after my song

shit started at the pool tables

I told them to quiet it down

they (2) broke a pool cue over the table with a piece in each hand

challenging me

two bouncers came up behind me

I walked up and said put the stick down, he threw one down…

I said , hand me the other…. he does and I give it to the bartender

the 2 rednecks with tattoos everywhere even on their neck and wearing “tapout” shirts

they yelling c’mon!!!

I turn to the bouncers and say

I’m getting too old for this shit and it’s time ya’ll start taking out your own trash

you ain’t gonna talk your way out of THIS one… it’s time. go take em out of here!

and off the 2 bouncers went like football players

it was like the move ROAD HOUSE

IT WAS TIME

well, it was a hell of a fight, but they got those boys out the door

girls screaming, drinks dropping, bottles of beer and glasses breaking,

tables flipping over, pool table being shoved out of place, people getting knocked down, the sound of punches and clothes tearing, and growls and grunts

I go out, the old owner goes out, we are calm, we seen this for DECADES

THESE NEW BOUNCERS HAVE GOT TO LEARN

like a teacher losing control in a classroom

there comes a time to take back control

the rednecks are screaming step off the sidewalk

the owner, instructs his two bouncers (FINALLY !!!)

to step off the sidewalk, and don’t say a word, and don’t throw the first punch

they do

the rednecks back out in the street and say come out here

the owner tells em same thing go into the street, let them throw first punch

and don’t say a word

the rednecks then turn and go get in their truck and leave

all the bouncers all come out laughing and hoo rahing and high fiving

we all go back in the club

I learn their good fighter bouncer had been fired… so

the rednecks were testing the remaining bouncers and winning (still not impressing me)

I look around, would I want to bring my lady HERE?

i STUDY IT….

PROBABLY not…. WHY?

got music at the house, these are rednecks, and college kids

sure, I like watching the sexy young girls dance…. if they dance good

what man doesn’t? (That is so endearing. What a charmer.)

and I’m too old for this shit. (I’m too smart for this shit.)

Oh God, I am scared to death. What if I am making a mistake? What if you are NOT? WHOAH…. yeah….

What if it is a mistake NOT TO…. flip a coin, man. make a decision. (FLIP A COIN? Is that how we do it these days?!!)

Don’t have to make a decision…. just let it “RIDE”…

cross THAT bridge WHEN u get to it…

You may never get there….

and worry for NOTHING.

don’t worry about it.

where we at?

valentines day…..

HMMMMMM…..

WE SHOULDN’T THE NICE PEOPLE HAVE A NICE VALENTINES DAY….????

WHAT THE HELL WE DONE TO ANYONE????

WE DESERVE A NICE VALENTINES DAY TOO!!!

IT’S NOBODIES DAMN BUSINESS

VAL-EN-TINES “DAY” ….

ON A THURSDAY… HOTEL SUITE WITH A JACUZZI… HO-HOOOO!

EVEN IF i HAVE TO GO ALONE! LOL

i’M WORTH IT.

I LOVE YOU.”

Really, what else is there to say after THAT except that I have now decided on my next nightmare date (and I’m sure there will be more) I’m going to eat with my hands, chew with my mouth open, pick my nose, belch, fart, and laugh like a crazed woman. (I think I am a bit crazed now anyway!!) So, if you ever see a display like that while dining in a restaurant…it’s just me. Stop by the table and say hello!!

Peace my friends.

Mr. Looking for a Challenge

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I clearly have on my online dating profile that I am not into younger men nor do I want photos of a certain part of the male anatomy. I quote from my profile, “I am looking for classy not trashy.”

This morning I received a message from a 25 year old, “Good morning, how are you? You’re very pretty. I love your pics. Nice profile. Can you date a guy with a few fetishes? Nothing over the top just a few things.”

Really?

Me: “You obviously did not read my profile.”

Him: “Yes, I did. We can be friends, right? I’m just looking for a long distance friend via text to share pictures with. Not right away though. I want to get to know you. Just letting you know what I’m looking for. I like sharing pictures of myself doing naughty things.”

Me: “Again, you obviously did not read my profile.”

Him: “Yes I did but I’m looking forward to getting to know you first.”

End of conversation.

I honestly do not have those things on my profile as a challenge. Mr. I’m Looking for a Challenge obviously is challenged!!

Mr. Conversationalist

 

(SUBMITTED STORY)

This is a quick story as I found the chat up line fantastic. This was only last week.

On an internet dating site, is my profile and photo up, so I get a message from a guy:

“Hi”

I thought this was very inventive so I answered equally with:

“Hi”

His response to this was:

“Hello”

I was amazed about his vocabulary. So my answer was:

“You are a man of few words.”

And he answered:

“ You are not exactly War and Peace either.”

So I left it at that, as I do not think I could have a decent conversation with THAT.

At least they can make us laugh!

Best Regards, Ute

Mr. Good Guy (yes, he really is)

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Today’s post is about one of the good guys. All my posts seem to revolve around ‘the others’ so today, I thought I would share a good story so you don’t think all my experiences are bad.

I met Mr. Good Guy online. I was not attracted to him at first based on his photos. Yes, I admit, I was being shallow. (I’m not usually attracted to super skinny men and he was all skin and bones.) However, what got my attention and drew me in was his sense of humor and personality.

We spoke online and on the phone for about 6 weeks before we ever decided to meet. He was very smart and had common sense (a rare combination), and he made me laugh. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with him. One of the reasons we put off meeting was due to the fact that he had only been divorced 5 months and we talked about whether or not  he still needed time to figure out who he was and what he wanted in life…post-divorce.

We finally decided what the heck and went to dinner one evening. We had a great time. I was still not attracted to him physically but agreed to continue going out with him. The more time I spent with him the more I realized he actually had become physically attractive to me along with his shining personality. He had basically ‘won me over’.

So now you’re probably wondering…then why are you not still with Mr. Good Guy?

Our initial reservation about him not being divorced very long came back and bit us. When his ex-wife realized he was seeing someone she began threatening suicide. Because she had attempted suicide in the past he felt obligated to reconcile with her. He did not want to but was afraid his children and grandchildren would never forgive him if she actually did kill herself.

It’s really sad knowing he’s trapped in a relationship that he does not want to be in. We mutually agreed to stop all communication between us. He was man enough to realize if he was going to reconcile with her, he could not also be seeing me. I was also concerned about her emotional instability and did not want to be a target for her. Most men would not choose to do what he did. Yes, he really is one of the good guys and I wish him the best of luck.

Mr.Vengeful

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I had a phone call last night which we reminded me of something that happened back in March.

This took place right after I broke things off with Mr. Man of Mystery so he could be the culprit although I cannot prove it.

Early one morning I started receiving phone call after phone call from insurance agents all across the country. As each different time zone woke up and began it’s workday the calls spread from New York all the way to California. I live in the central time zone so the calls started at 7:00 am my time.

Apparently someone had gone online using my personal information…name, address, cell phone number and e-mail…and submitted a request for quotes on health insurance. The request had my information yet said it was requested by a 51 year old male.

At first, I was furious because I was receiving about 2 phone calls an hour as well as a barage of e-mails.

By the end of the first day, I realized that all the calls had been from male insurance agents and people in sales sure do like to talk. Me, being the ever-optimist that I am, decided what the heck I may as well have some fun with it!! I decided to take this opportunity to just flirt like crazy and that’s exactly what I did. I have to say it has been so much fun!! It is what I like to call ‘speed flirting’ (like speed dating).

After a week or so, the calls subsided to only a few a week and last night’s call was yet another insurance agent whom I spoke with for about 30 minutes getting my flirt on.

Happy Tuesday! Get your flirt on! It will make for a beautiful day!!